Top 8 Characteristics that Independent, Successful People Learn at Home

Many of you know that I used to be a children’s pastor.  My education was in family ministry and psychology.  When God brought our family to Fargo to start a ministry caring for men and women coming out of prison I thought He was crazy.  How could I go from one extreme to the other?  Quite literally; prior to this move I was an Early Childhood Pastor and Preschool teacher.  I ministered to the youngest most vulnerable people.  Although my heart for children has not decreased my heart for the addict has defiantly increased.  This post is something that has stirred in my heart as I think about what the addict has lacked in their life.  I have learned where there is great pain and hardship there is also great insights.  These characteristics are things that I have seen through working with BIG and small children.   They (the addicts we work with) are currently learning the very things that I am trying to currently teach/instill in my own children.  People who develop these characteristics are people who become successful, independent and ultimately happy individuals.

1. Humility

“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble” (Proverbs 3:34)

Humility says I can’t but God can.  It says “Anyone who wants to be first must be last” (Mark 9:35).  Humility sometimes is looked upon as the cowards way but its actually the opposite.   When I take my kids on bike rides I allow them to go first and I trail behind them.  I am able to steer the ship from behind and they are learning their way around our neighborhood.  If they make a wrong turn I can see it.  When we have family gathering meals (such as at Christmas) we are all eager to get in line to eat first.  Our stomachs direct us.  Most of us think “if Im first I’ll get the best or the most” or “if I’m last I’ll be left with the crumb’s”.  This is NOT how it works with God.  When we choose to be last we get the best.  If you think about it often times the people in the back of the line really do get the most or the best.  Sometimes its because new dishes appear or certain dishes needed time to “rest” before getting cut into so the juices are evenly distributed or because those who are last have freedom to take more.  You don’t have to look too far to inspire humility in your children. 

2.   Gratitude

Entitlement is the absence of gratitude.  When we learn to be grateful we are given much more.  The exact opposite happens as well.  When gratitude is absent our lives begin to look quite bleak.  We have seen individuals come through our ministry who come from very lucrative homes and those who have come from impoverished homes.  Money has nothing to do with happiness.  Happiness comes when we foster what we have and give God thanks for them.

One of the B attitudes that Jesus talks about in Matthew 5 is to “be poor in Spirit”.  I love how Bill Johnson (in the book Momentum) explains this attitude.  He says “Being poor in spirit is not being self-critical or condemning.  It is the continual realization that every blessing in our lives is entirely because of God’s grace.”  

Some practical ways that we teach our kids gratitude is:

• We thank God at meal times, in the morning, and before bed at night.  We thank him for everything from A-Z.  The big things such as our house and health.  As well as the small things like the ice cream we had, our bikes, a pet, etc.  Nothing is off limits when it comes to gratitude.

• We say thank you.  We speak it- All the time.  To everyone.  Everywhere we go.  It is our second language. Someone opens the door for us- “thank you”.  I give a child something they asked for ( for example: a drink of water)- what do you say?  “Thank You”.  Everywhere you go you say thank you!  

•   Express it.  “out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).  When our hearts are filled with gratitude we can’t help but express it in word and deed.  My kids love to write or color pictures.  I myself am a giver.  I express my creativity through gift giving.  I love to think about what another person might enjoy or what might touch their heart/life.  It doesn’t have to be an expensive or big thing.  To be able to do things for others gives me great joy and honor.

3.  Respect

This is an attitude.  “R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me.”  You all know the queen of pop Aretha Franklin.  These words may sound sassy and thats exactly what respect is.  Its an attitude.  A mindset.  “Respect is to consider worthy of high regard.” -Webster Dictionary.

Everyone has a differing view on respect.  I probably would agree with most of them-to a degree.  The saying “respect is earned”.  If that is your philosophy I would challenge it slightly.  I do believe there is truth to that however I do take a slightly differing approach.  Respect is given until it is abused-is my philosophy (then it needs to be earned back).  Everyone deserves respect.  Everyone.  UNTIL they have abused it.  I won’t go too far down that rabbit trail.  Instead I’d like to focus on the fact that respect has been almost completely lost in our culture today.  I believe one of the biggest problems I’ve seen in our ministry to addicts is their lack of respect for authority or correction.  As parents we need to show our children that we have respect for those that God has placed in authority.  We display this through our mannerisms, words, and attitude.  We also display this through correction.  When we show our kids that we ourselves can and should receive correction then they also become more open to correction/discipline.  One example is when we are wrong asking for forgiveness.  AND then turning from that wrong action.  There have been many times that my temper has gotten the best of me and I have gone to my children and apologized.  The apology is just the first step in showing respect.  The correction (turning from) seals that respect. 

 I show respect by these steps: Giving my focus/attention, seeking forgiveness when I have wronged someone, correcting what was broken (whether inside me i.e. spiritual/emotional or something in the physical).   

Hebrews 12:11 says “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.  Respect is something we train ourselves to do.  It doesn’t always come naturally.  Are you a person open to correction?  That is the first step in teaching respect.

4.  Empathy

When my son was in preschool one of his teachers shared with us that Theo has so much compassion.  She proceeded to tell us that one day when it was time to get on the bus one of his fellow peers was having a tough day.  She was crying and did not want to get on the bus.  Theo walked over to her and extended his hand and proceeded to walk with her onto the bus.  He told her she was going to be okay, he was going to sit with her.  This did my mama heart wonders!  For all of the moments I felt like a failure of a mother this moment in time froze.  I must be doing something right.  Empathy.  Its something that is caught, not taught.  How do you practice empathy?  Do you ask God to give you a heart of compassion?  A heart to reach the lost and broken?  If you practice this- believe me; your children will catch it.  My daughter is not as compassionate as her brother.  We continue to pray that she will grow in her faith and that she will mimic the fathers heart.  This is another reason David and I are not shy about what we do.  We often share with the kids about the lost individuals we work with.  They see firsthand the work we do.  

5.  Kindness

Kindness is woven throughout all we do.  Kindness is part of who we are.  Its something that overflows from what we have in our hearts.  Some of the men and women we serve have a seed of bitterness in their soul that has taken root in their life.  When we hold onto the past or onto anger, it festers.  In the end it leads to destruction.  When we get our heart right kindness just flows.

6.  Generosity (selflessness)

In my opinion this is one of the hardest, if not THE hardest thing to teach children.  When I was an Early Childhood Pastor there was one room that I really didn’t care to work in.  The toddler room.  Toddlers are the epitome of the word selfish.  The world revolves around the toddler. “Mine, Me, and No” are a toddlers favorite words.  Its crazy to think this is exactly what I hear with many of our men and women at Redemption Road.  Everything is inner focused.  I’m not denying they have a lot of inner work to do.  Addiction is a disease and needs to be treated as such.  However I have learned through our work that the ones who find success have a pivotal moment where they choose to start looking outward.  They choose to look at the world in a more pluralistic way.  This is at the very heart of AA, NA, and Celebrate Recovery.  Life together.  The disease of addiction is one that happens in isolation.  When addicts recover, they recover together.  They focus on how they can use their life to bless another.  That’s when you know someone has done a 180.  They become generous with their time, money, and talent.

7.  Responsibility

In the book Momentum Bill Johnson says “Whenever the passion for pleasure is stronger than the passion for purpose and responsibility, there will always be a drain on resources, regardless of the size of the wealth or how it was obtained.”  

Jesus shares the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25.  At the end of the story Jesus says “whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance.  Whoever does not have will be taken from them.”  He goes onto say (verse 30) “And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”  

For the longest time when I read that last verse I always thought that was so harsh.  

James 2:17 says “In the same way, faith by itself, if its not accompanied by action, is dead.”  

Our deeds are not what save us don’t get me wrong “it is only through grace that we have been saved so that no man may boast”  Ephesians 2:8  However the fruit, the deeds, the action is PROOF of our salvation.  

When our men and women grasp the truth that their life has meaning and purpose.  We see great things begin to happen!

At home we use chore charts to help teach our kids responsibility.   My daughter is messy.  She’s such a free spirit and its beautiful but man its messy.  So many times I go into her bedroom and all I want to do is quickly pick up and clean it.  I can get it done fast and its the easy way out.  Making her clean takes much more will power on my end. 

One time this same little girl went to Walmart with me.  I was so impressed by how she acted in the store.  Once we got in the car I started to praise her and just as I was praising her for being so good I looked into the rear view mirror only to catch her eating fruit flavored tic tac’s.  I was in a big hurry but this, this was a teachable moment that I could not miss.  The easy thing to do would be to drive away and forget it ever happened.  I could have reasoned it away.  On the other hand how can I expect my child to become a person of integrity if I turn a blind eye to this?  We walked into the store and I asked for a store manager.  While they got the manager I shared with Lily that she will need to give the item back and say sorry.  She did just that through lots of tears.  Once back in the car I praised her for making amends for her mistake.  I let her know that we all make mistakes.  Its how we take responsibility for our mistakes that pleases or displeases God.  We also talked about how she can avoid this situation altogether in the future.    Mom and Dad: Don’t Take the Easy Way Out!  It may seem easy now but it will create utter chaos later.  Set your kids up for success which is also know as independence.  

8.  Tough (thick skin)

This was probably the hardest thing for me to learn personally.  When I left home I was weak.  I’ll admit it.  Ministry has really helped toughen me up (maybe too much).  Its important that when our kids fall we let them cry but then remind them to brush it off so they can get right back up and try again.  Thick skin is important to foster so that determination can grow.  

In closing

Everyday since my children were in the womb I have prayed this prayer over them:  “Lord I pray my children would grow in wisdom, stature, and in favor with you (God) and man.” (Luke 2:52) 

The verse just prior says “But his mother treasured these things in her heart.”  This scripture is in reference to Jesus developing in these area’s and his mother treasuring the moments big and small.  That’s how I want to live.  I want to live knowing that my kids will find their way.  They will become strong, independent, spiritual giants.  They can not do it without God or the guidance and correction of a parent.